Scor­pio News

printer n.       A mechanical paper shredding machine.

program n.       A List of instructions to a computer which rarely does what is required, or when it does, contains hidden untested features which preclude its proper use.

program v.       The writing of a perverse list of instructions to a computer usually written in a language incomprehensible to the layman and programmer alike.

program crash n.       The result of any working program which stops for no reason whilst performing a large or unrepeatable task. This could be a special feature, see bug.

programmer n.       One who attempts to write a program, the logic of which has been ill understood from the outset and is beyond the mental capacity of the person writing it.

protocol n.       A method of specifying the order in which things are to be done, usually refers to communications between computers where identical protocols are certain not to talk to each other.

RAM n.       Random Access Memory. The area within a computer for storing or manipulating programs and data. Parkinson’s law applies in that programs and data always expand to fill the available RAM.

realtime n.       Some feature of a program which acts automatically and is too fast for the intervention of the operator.

serial interface n.       A method of connecting a computer to a peripheral device which either too fast or too slow or has the wrong protocol for the device in question.

service company n.       An insurance company which knows nothing about computers.

Sinclair n. (proper)       (proper) The given name of the Creator, the Great God of computers. Now known to have been false God in the light of the Revelations of Sugar.

Sinclair v.       To advertise for sale before the availability of a product to assess market demand To make money out of Scotch Mist.

Sinclair C5 n.       An animated bathchair produced in error by the the Computer God as new portable computer. Its main instruction was to go forth and multiply the money invested by the Gods, an act it manifestly failed to do. A more conventional design and provision of a keyboard might have proved more worthwhile.

source n.       A List of readable instructions partially understood by the programmer which forms the basis of a bug-ridden program.

systems analyst n.       One whose job it is to decide, wrongly, what your business is, and to translate those decisions in to a form bearing little relation to the original job definition.

terminal n.       A television like device whose capabilities are usually lightly less or too slow to play the latest realtime version of Space Invaders.

write protect tab n.       A small piece of opaque sticky tape normally fitted across a notch in the disk to ensure that a disk can not be written to when required or by omission, to ensure that s disk may be written to when not sequired. Standardization dictates that 8’ disks work in the presence of the write protect tab, 5.25″ ones fail when the tab is fitted.